tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central August 10, 2011 11:30pm-12:00am PDT
join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it, is your moamg of zen. >> for decades view verse pointed to what they say is subtle and not so sutd l evidence of a love affair. what do you think about bert and ernie? just friends? let us know atcaptioning sponsoy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, does god need to improve his image? after 6,000 years he could probably use a little freshen up. [laughter] then, campaign fundraisers have a new secret weapon: not being newt gingrich. [laughter] and my guest elliot ackerman has a website that matches voters with candidates who share their values. ugh, they're never as fiscally conservative as their picture. [laughter] chad ochocinco says he'll live with a fan for three weeks. wow, those nfl contract
negotiations did not go well. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. nation, the dow lost 519 points
today. it's the single biggest drop since two days ago. [laughter] everybody's trying to make sense of the markets. luckily, the new york post explained it all with today's cover story. "crazy stox like a hooker's drawers-- up, down, up"! [cheers and applause] this is analysis everyone can understand. you get a hooker, everyone's excited that her panties are up. then the underwear starts to drop, people start getting upset, grown men are crying, clutching their heads, worried for their futures and their childrens'. [laughter] then the hooker pulls her underwear up-- happy days are here again, somebody rings a bell and everybody goes home. if you paid the extra fifty bucks for the bell. and it's not a bell. [laughter] i look forward to more of this kind of analysis such as: "london just like hooker's genitals-- burning!" and
"somali refugees like hooker's libido-- always hungry!" and "new york post front page like hooker-- will say anything to get your money." [laughter] [cheers and applause] somebody is a little girl. [laughter] folks, cleanliness is next to godliness. which is why i sometimes pray to mr. clean. [laughter] this is yahweh or no way! [cheers and applause] first up: mormons. they've been in the news recently because republican presidential candidates, mitt romney and jon huntsman are both mormon. one of these guys could be our next president. the other one is jon huntsman. [laughter]
and obama's advisers are already planning their strategy against romney. >> wow, the obama re-election team sees mitt romney as the likeliest republican candidate, we're told right now. and plans strongly attack him personally as a phony. and here's the keyword, as weird. why that word, weird? >> well, it's pseudo to bring in to the whole mormonism issue. >> stephen: obama is going to use "weird" as code for "mormon." i am really starting to respect that urban rhythmic socialist kenyan secret muslim! [laughter] of course, he is right about romney being weird. look at that hair! dark, perfectly combed with a neat part? nice hair, weirdo! [laughter] plus, strong jaw, piercing gaze, you just know in high school he was the wrd kid who had lots of friends and led the football team to one of those weird state championships! the weirdest thing about him is that crazy religion. mormons believe joseph smith
received gold plates from an angel on a hill. when everybody knows moses, got stone tablets from a burning bush on a mountain. [laughter] and i'm not the only american who's a little suspicious of mormons. >> according to polls, just 45% of people have a favorable view of mormons. only atheists and muslims rate lower. >> stephen: it's true. i don't trust a muslim as far as i can throw him at an atheist. [laughter] but the mormon church is looking to change its image, with a pr campaign called "i'm a mormon." >> my name is joy monaham, i live in hawaii and i'm a mormon. >> my name's jeff decker. i'm sculpture for harley davidson and i'm a mormon. >> i'm a bee keeper. my name is mark cupertini and i'm a mormon.
>> stephen: motorcyclist surfing beekeepers? is this a religion or a new show on spike? [laughter] so are mormons normal? yahweh or no way? yahweh! ♪ this campaign is making mormons irresistibly cool! who wouldn't want to -- ride unicycles, climb mountains, have great hair, or make out with birds?! [laughter] that's awesome. what am i saying? i'm a catholic! we need to fight back with an even cooler ad campaign, like this one. >> oh hi, i'm jason. i was just skateboarding while playing this guitar and ♪ falconing. and i'm a catholic. high-five a tiger! ♪ in your face mormons!
>> stephen: oh, yeah. oh, yeah. by the way, the tiger is also a catholic. and you know who else could use an ad campaign? god because his poll numbers are terrible. >> a new poll by public policy polling looks at god's approval rating and you might be a little surprised at what they found. god has a 52% approval rating. >> stephen: 52%! barely half of americans. of course, the public's always tough on any prominent figure who's had a child out of wedlock. [laughter] and get this: only 71% approve of god's handling of creating the universe. that means for 29%, the infinite and unknowable everything just isn't cuttin' it. [laughter] so does god deserve these low numbers? yahweh or no way? i don't know weh!
>> eh? i'm torn. on the one hand he is the all-powerful, all-loving source of everything. on the other hand, he is a gaffe machine. floods-- famine-- air france doesn't serve a pinot noir older than 2001? why have you foresaken me? [ applause ] why! [ laughter ] and, folks, asking about god's job performance raises an even more troubling question? what is god's job? of course, that is ultimately an unanswerable question. here to answer it, please welcome the official chaplain of the colbert nation, father jim martin. papa j! what's going on? [cheers and applause] now i hope you can help me out here. as the author of the jesuit guide to almost everything you should be able to answer this question. what is god's job?
>> sustaining the universe. >> stephen: can we judge him? >> no. [laughter] >> stephen: thank you so much for coming by. [laughter] why can't we judge god? he give us critical faculty, he made us very dissatisfied. why can't we, you know put the sandal on the other foot and say, you no he what let's have a little quality control here. we'll give you feedback and maybe he could change the way he behaves? >> i think we could try to understand the universe and god's ways. ultimately it's mysterious and particularly the things you pointed out, famines, floods, natural disasters, these things have confounded theologians and saints for years. this is probably something we won't be able to answer the question of why he allows these things to happen. >> stephen: why do you think his approval ratings are so low right now? isn't that kind of the fault of
guys like you? aren't you kind of god's pr team and haven't you dropped the ball? not to judge. >> i think frequently when people are thinking about god's performance rating and what they think about god they are thinking of how things are in their lives. >> stephen: right. i'm not happy at all times. everything is not working out perfectly for me right now. >> well, i would say if you are a christian and i know that you are, you look at jesus and things didn't always work out well for me either. >> stephen: but he knew they would eventually. >> and we know they will for us in the afterlife. >> stephen: how do i know that? >> you trust in what jesus says. the way i like to explain it to people in terms of afterlife and coming to understand our place in the universe, god would never destroy a relationship he created. the relationship god had with you is something that is going to endure forever. we hope we get a chance to ask god some of these questions.
>> stephen: is there anything that we can do to help god get better ratings right now? i have a superpac, could that help in any way? >> i would say that by being -- i would say people be more grateful. >> stephen: what if things are, if you pardon my latin (bleep). do i have to be grateful for the (bleep) parts, too. i think part of relationship to god is being honest about the (bleep) parts. but also. >> stephen: i find that offensive coming from a man of the cloth. excuse me. i have no standards. i have no standards but from the chaplain of the colbert nation. >> trying to speak your language staofrpblgts i understand. relating to the young. >> being honest in your relationship with god but being honest about things that are god. people come to god only when they are ready to complain or
lament something rather than celebrating things or giving praise to god. >> stephen: like the fact i exist. >> it's something to celebrate. >> stephen: can we talk politics for a second csm god get the upper hand in the polls by going negative on one of his opponents. like running an ad against buda. fatso wants you to have nothingness. yahweh wants to you have everythingness. vote yahwae. >> i'll take it up with him. >> stephen: thank you. father jim martin.
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] nation, last month i formed colbert super-pac and since then i have learned some disturbing stuff about campaign finance. apparently some people are such political junkies that donating money is a way to get a fix. in the last quarter alone "more than 1,300 people gave five or more times" to the same candidate. for example, "i'm
trying to restrain myself," said one donor who in recent months has given to tim pawlenty 11 times. making tim pawlenty the world's most boring addiction, next to freebasing iceberg lettuce. [laughter] and not just republicans are addicted. donating to obama is like smoking pot: everything feels new for a while, but at the end of the day you realize you didn't get anything done. [laughter] and folks, these campaigns -- you guys been hitting the obama? these campaigns soliciting money know exactly what buttons to push. they send urgent emails with emotional triggers that make you feel part of something bigger like bachmann's "join the fight," pawlenty's "i can't do it alone," and herman cain's "give me five dollars and i'll punch a muslim." [cheers and applause]
this is shameless manipulation, and i am disgusted that i'm not doing it. so i need to draft a quick email to my super-pac members. subject line: "spiders in your hair!" dear future victims, they're doing it again, and we have only seconds to stop them before you, your pets, and everyone you love could experience whatever it is you're most afraid of. and don't forget, earlier i used the phrase "spiders in your hair." [laughter] send me $25 right now to make a difference, or send me $100 to make four differences. [laughter] or just let the bad guys win. your choice. quick, look behind you! stephen colbert. and send. [ applause ] so folks, give compulsively.
[cheers and applause] thanks for coming on. sit down. you are a chief operations officer for americanselect.org. before that you spent eight years in the marines, multiple towers of duty in iraq and afghanistan, purple star, bronze star, did you get an emmy? i'm in the saying that stuff is not good but did you get an emmy? tell me about americanselect.org. how do you pick a president over the internet? >> well, it's a simple vision in that the vision here son november 6, 2012 when people go to the polls for the first time ever there will be a third ticket that they've directly nominated. >> a. >> stephen: a third party? >> a ticket. >> stephen: what is the difference between a ticket and a party?
>> we're not a party. we're a second way to pick a president, one that is bigger than the parties and puts people ahead of the parties. >> stephen: bigger than the parties? how so? how much cash do you have? >> at americanselect.org we'll hold the first ever nonpartisan online nominating convention. any registered voter can come to the convention stphaoefrpblgts why would you -- >> stephen: why would you want to be nonpartisan. people know what the democrats stand for -- tax and spend -- they know what republicans stand for which is america and then you can decide which one you want to support. what -- what does americans elect stand for? >> giving people more voice in politics. >> stephen: does that not mean money? the supreme court has ruled money equals speech. i have a superpac which has
unlimited cash it can give out. will you take money from a pac? >> one of the great things we've seen about technology and social media it's opened up all facets of life. politics is one of few places where you have to accept brand a and brand b. americans are giving individuals powers and tools to draft their own candidates. help develop a plattform that the candidates have to answer and be able to discuss and debate the rules of convention that every delegate gets to vote n. not just the folks in iowa, north carolina, south carolina. >> i'm going to take that as a no, you don't want my money. >> we don't take any money from special interest groups, interest organizations or pacs. we would love for the individuals this in colbert nation and you, stephen, to get involved and support us online. [laughter] >> stephen: we have to get each other's beaks wet on this
one. [laughter] you have to weigh -- how to you match up, people fill out a questionnaire. when you sign up, what happens? >> one of the first things do you is come to the web site and sign up as a delegate it's not a process. we're asking people what are the crucial issues, what do you think is important? you weigh the issues, the candidates weigh the issues it's a debate not about red or blue but about the crucial issues facing the country. >> stephen: i do fill out the questionnaire. do the candidates fill out a questionnaire? >> they'll come online and do the same thing. >> stephen: do we get matched up. isic this like chemistry.com or eharmony of the election? >> it's a much more interactive process. >> stephen: you say you don't iowa, new hampshire, south carolina electinging the next president. i am from south carolina i take
offense to that. why don't you want them saying who the nominees are? >> we want to leverage our newest technologies to get us back to some of our oldest values which is letting every voter participate in a meaningful way in a primary. [cheers and applause] are you on the ballot in all 50 states? >> we're going to be on the ballot in 50. >> stephen: every state you have to come up with a petition or something like that? >> every state has different ballot access laws. we're jumping over the hurdles as they come. we've had great success. of the 2.9 million signatures we need we gathered two million and we submitted 1.6 million in california which will makes it the largest petition gathering in the history after this state and we're pretty sure the
history of the country. >> stephen: if you get to 2.9 you get in all 50 states? do you have to get them in every state? >> you have to go state by state and get them. it's a political innovation. this is the first time that ballot access will have been achieved for a candidate to be directly nominated by the american people. that has never happened before. >>. we want people to get involved, come to americanselect.org support us. answer the questions. let's discuss the issues and get our politics on track. >> stephen: last question and most important: what political party are you secretly backing? >> none, stephen, we're putting up the infrastructure so people can come. >> stephen: good luck elliot ackerman, americanselect.org we'll be right back.